I haven’t worked full time for a while. I haven’t worked nine ‘til five (what a way to make a living) for even longer. My public service job was more like seven until four most days. My teaching roles were similar hours. Before that, in a large chain department store I worked odd hours. I like odd hours. After a year of not being paid any money at all, and not being able to score a job, after writing over twenty applications, I wonder how I’d go in a regular job.

Am I concerned my confidence and ability to talk to people is forever broken? Maybe. I love writing, gardening, the solitary life, but I also want to get paid for doing something. I’m sure an opportunity will come my way, when it’s meant to. Everything happens for a reason, right?

If I’m not going out to work all day, why am I so exhausted all the time? I don’t sleep much, I get up early, ready to do stuff, but mostly and unexpectedly, plans change, and I get stuck in an endless loop. This was all supposed to change when we moved, but we haven’t moved, yet. Patience. Something I used to possess in spades has long since disappeared.

I was speaking to a few people this week, who are suffering post-traumatic stress, fatigue, exhaustion – One lady has spent at least forty years caring for others; another friend has spent most of her life saying yes, to everything her family and friends asked of her. There comes a point where we need to stop. We have to say STOP, NO, and make an active choice to look after ourselves.

If we always feel that everything is out of our control and that we must bend like a young sapling, to everything everyone else asks – our body, mind and soul cries out for nourishment. Some find it in alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, even coffee, energy drinks, chocolate, gambling, gaming, shopping – our vices are high in number.

When I think about it, it’s been twelve years since I’ve had an alcoholic drink. I made an extremely difficult choice, to cease drinking all those years ago. A decision based on my health. Similarly, when I stopped smoking eight years ago. Have I felt like starting either of those activities again? Not until earlier this year, when things were a little crazy. I didn’t. I drink coffee, and eat chocolate and I’m not convinced they aren’t just as bad, but still I’ll eat healthier when we move.

Now I’m not making excuses, I’m not plagued with regret (I refuse to be) but I do wonder if I hadn’t spent so much time drinking and smoking to bury my emotions when life fell apart years ago, whether things would have gone differently with my kids? I was terrified of losing them, but I lost them anyway.

Back to bending to the will of others so much that we end up broken. My friend explained it more eloquently than my written words, but yes, it’s a thing. We give so much until there’s nothing left to give. Problem is, pushing back the other way as firmly as possible can sometimes be as detrimental to our health. We can’t go back and change the past. We can change the way we react in future. It’s tough, but I’m convinced we can do it, if we believe we can.

Alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, chocolate, the other vices – are they all as bad as each other? It might be more about our state of mind and our personality types. Some people are most likely to get addicted than others. Everything in moderation. Ingesting too much of anything, sugars, chillis, even bananas, can be bad for us. There’s so much to be aware of.

I don’t know a lot about post traumatic stress or carer’s fatigue, but I’m pretty sure we are all struggling in our own way and how we cope and move forward is individual. Two steps forward, one step back, some days are better than others.

The beauty of each morning, when we wake up and the sun is shining, is that it is a brand new day, filled with options and possibilities. Back to my original question – What’s wrong with me? – Nothing! You are enough, wonderful, and terrific just the way you are.