Thirty two years ago I was in hospital with preeclampsia, waiting for the birth of my first born. My baby boy. I was nervous, excited, worried and sick of lying still waiting for the end of the long weekend, so that my little boy would be delivered safely. I had read all the books I could find on having a baby. I had always loved kids and had lots of ideas on parenting. I didn’t want to parent the same way as my parents, I wanted to be there for him and any other children I might be blessed with.

Peter Frederick was born safe and well. Delivered by caesarian. I felt such a strong love for my baby and a strong bond soon developed. I spent every waking moment caring for him, looking after him, making sure he was fed, dry, rested and stimulated. I read to him all the time. We played games together. Over the next six years, I was blessed with three more children. The best times were the times I spent with the kids, teaching them to cook, garden, read and playing games with them.

Things change, and sadly not always for the better. Without getting into the horrible details, there was a rift in the family. I lost the love and respect of my kids. I was doing the absolute best and what I thought was the best for my children. The problem was, I got it wrong. I couldn’t see it at the time. I had no confidence in myself or my ability to parent. Because things didn’t go according to plan, I couldn’t figure out how to fix it. I was so upset that I let addictions like alcohol cloud my judgement.

Now I can’t go back and fix what happened. I can’t get back those lost years. I wish I could. I would make different choices. I wish I had believed in myself. I would have stood my ground. The past is gone. I can’t let that regret get in the way.

I will never give up hoping that one day we can mend the rift. My boy is now grown up and living his life. I hope he is happy and having fun. I will never give up wishing that one day I will pick up the phone, and hear his voice on the other end. I can’t go back to the past, but I firmly believe we all deserve a better brighter future. Happy thirty second birthday to my son Peter.