Unrealistic expectations – we all dislike it when family, friends or work put unrealistic expectations or unspoken expectations on us. Unspoken expectation are the worst, as how are we meant to not fail if we don’t know what it is others want? Yet how many of us consciously or subconsciously put these expectations on those we love, those we work with, those we come into contact with? How many of us also put unrealistic expectations on ourselves, “we should do that, we shouldn’t do that, we must be there, we must do this’ and then spend time feeling guilty or like a failure for being unable to live up to the stupidly high expectations?

The good news is this is something we can learn to control and stop, with practice and by being kind to ourselves, forgiving ourselves for not meeting unrealistic goals and aspirations. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mean we should not set goals or we should not be there for others or work with others. It is healthy and productive to set and work to achieve short term and long term goals. Its part of how we feel a sense of fulfilment and self worth in our accomplishments. It can lift us up out of depression and promote mental health and wellbeing.

An example of the difference in goals; for me, a non-athletic person, a realistic goal would be to walk for 30mins a day, increasing it by 10 mins every week up to an hour over a month or so. Unrealistic expectations for me would be to start running 10 kms a day without first training and practice. Another example would be when learning to cook – first learn the basics before cooking a gourmet five course meal.

Me personally, one of my goals is that I want to enjoy a better relationship with my children, I know this doesn’t mean spending every weekend together or even talking on the phone every week. That would be unrealistic for me and them. Each of my children are different, with different views on family and life so the relationships will be very different and individual and initially led by them.

The important thing to remember when working with others, is to be clear, with no hidden agendas. If you want something from someone, family, friend or a work colleague, or you want to work with them to achieve something, let them know. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking you have made yourself clear when you really haven’t. If this happens, be upfront, own it, apologise clear the air and start again. Any reasonable person should accept your apology no worries.

That brings me to the more difficult scenario – unrealistic or unspoken expectations from unreasonable people. These people may or may not have hidden agendas, they may be setting us up for a fall or they may just be selfish and inconsiderate. This isn’t a criticism, there are many different types of people in the world, it would be boring if we were all the same. That being said how do we deal with these situations? Do we spend time full of guilt and regret at failing or letting people down? Do we spend time second guessing others and their motives? We all know that can lead to dis-ease and mental and physical illness. Somehow we have to let go, acknowledge that in some instances whatever we do we are not going achieve to someone else’s standards. Then we need to know and believe that it is okay, they we are good enough, we are enough, and we don’t have to turn ourselves inside out to please others.

If we are true to ourselves, kind and forgiving to ourselves and others, we should be okay, and who knows we may even help others to be okay too.