I am feeling a little emotional after having lunch with my youngest child today. All grown up, my youngest child will be twenty one in a few months. She is independent, doing her own thing at university, has a very nice boyfriend, is learning to fly, works part time and I am extremely proud of her. I admit I haven’t seen much of her in the last couple of years, she lives a long way away and I have been slack and not visited as much as I would like to. Still, when she made the comment that we weren’t close anymore, well it hurt a lot. It is true, though, I can’t deny it. She is close to her dad and his side of the family, something I encouraged when the children were younger as I lost my Dad at an early age. Hindsight and regret are not positive and only leads to more pain and anguish.

Children are supposed to grow up, move away, become independent and get on with their lives. That is what we as parents wish for them. Empty nest syndrome is difficult to navigate no matter what the circumstances. I am proud of all my children and I love them very very much. If I had the time again I would do it differently, I would fight harder for them, demand a lot more of them and the whole situation. I was young, inexperienced, and not as strong as I should have been.

This is not a negative story though. Heck yeah I made many mistakes, I depended on alcohol and cigarettes to cope. I let some situations go not the way I wanted to save arguments and fights. I wanted to protect them and I didn’t. They are all grown up now. All living their own lives, with their own demons that I know I can’t fix, with their own opinions, based on the commentary of others.

What I am determined to do though is fix the relationship I have with each of them. I am not sure how I will achieve this but I am determined to. I made mistakes but I am not perfect. Not everyone has it all figured out as an adult. I want to get to know each child as the adult they have become, warts and all. We all have demons, a product of our childhood, our circumstances, our perceptions, drugs, things done to us, things out of our control, others within our control.

So, this year, a significant year for me, I will be dreaming big. I dream for a world where I talk to each of my kids from time to time, about how they are going. Small steps. If I won a fortune I would take each of them on a trip to a place of their choice. I will not give up. I am mum, one who always had the best interests of her children at heart, even if they haven’t realised it yet. One day we will meet and tell our stories and listen and understand.