At a training course during the week, one of the topics of discussion was resilience. What strategies we can use, at work and at home, to make sure we are okay. How we can prepare ourselves and our loved ones, to cope with change, dramas, loss, sadness, frustration, work and life pressures. Resilience is the ability to recover from adversity, to grow through change and not be broken by challenges.

We are all faced with unexpected changes and dramas. Some of these situations are out of our control, we can not prevent them happening. What we can do, is learn how to deal with the problem, to develop and maintain a positive attitude that will help us cope with the change or challenge. We all have an inner strength, but we don’t all know how to use it to cope. We need to learn how to use this inner strength, and how to ask for support and help when we need it. Resilience is about developing our copying skills, about facing difficult situations and not being broken by them.

Every day we are faced with setbacks, stresses that we can’t avoid. Sometimes it feels like these things are outside of our control. Sometimes they are. What we can control is how we think of the problem, how we deal with it. If we let it engulf us, it will become overwhelming, we suffer from anxiety and depression. If we can remind ourselves that the problem is small, is not going to define or change us, that we are safe and loved and okay, then we will probably be okay.

I am not making light of the fact that some of us are faced with utterly horrible situations. Some of us have to deal with devastating news and realities. In these situations it is important to ask for help, from family, friends, doctors and other professionals. There is the danger that if we try to face it alone, that we will suffer from anxiety and depression. For some of us coping means using alcohol, cigarettes, drugs or other substances, addictions to feel better. I fell into that trap, when faced with some of life’s challenges I chose cigarettes and alcohol to cope. And I thought I did cope. I survived, I got through. I managed to parent, work and put myself through university. Seven years sober and over twelve months since smoking I have never felt better. The main problem with my behaviour, my old coping mechanisms was what it taught my children. I talked the talk but did not walk the walk. I taught them the importance of looking after themselves, of asking for help, ways to cope with the tough stuff, but I didn’t model it.

Too late for regrets. What I can do now, through my writing is to hopefully give my children if they read this, and others tips and hints and ways of dealing with stuff that life throws us. The more we can learn how to cope and survive, but also to smile, and think positively, the more positive experiences we will have. If we are always thinking of all the problems, stresses and hassles, that’s what we will find.

Some things are out of our control. What we can control is our reaction. Changes at work for example. These can cause us frustration, anger, depression. Changes caused by others, workmates, partners, parents, children or friends can also be out of our control but can cause us a lot of pain and upset. So, what can we do? How can we cope to deal with stress and maintain a sense of control, a sense of self in our lives?

We are all different. Each situation is different and we all find different ways of coping, depending on the situation. These are some suggestions, some ways that have worked for me or people I know.

• taking time out for ourselves, read a book, listen to music, go for a walk
• find ways to relax, meditation, a bath, light candles, watch a movie or favourite television show
• exercise or sport
• explore our creativity, painting, singing, music, writing, some form of creative expression

Sometimes the problem may be something we do have control over. There may be actions we can take to resolve the situation. It can help to:

• break a challenge down into small, achievable goals
• celebrate achieving our goals
• keep a journal to track how we are going
• think about the big picture, the future and remember that what is happening now will pass.

Doing each of these things can help build our ability to cope and our skills in resilience. This in turn helps with our mental and emotion wellbeing. Most of us already have these skills, we know the answers, we are good at telling others how to cope, just not so good with following our own advice. We can increase our coping skills and resilience by:

• knowing our strengths
• building our self-esteem – have confidence in our abilities and the positive things in life
• build healthy relationships
• knowing when to ask for help
• managing stress and anxiety levels
• working on problem solving skills and coping strategies
• exploring our creative side
• finding like minded people, people we enjoy spending time with

Lastly, for those of us who are parents and who are trying to instil morals, values, resilience and coping skills in our children, remember that as much as we want to help our children, to shield them from all hurt and pain, we cant always do that. Whether we are in a two parent or single parent family, our children are individuals, with their own minds, senses, set of experiences, and friends that will help shape them. We can teach them the skills, we can suggest and guide and teach and tell and explain and always be there for them.

We are all individuals, we are all worth the effort of never giving up.